


Next Sunday, A.D.

by izzybeth



Category: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Genre: Gen, Humor, Screenplay/Script Format
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-15
Updated: 2011-12-15
Packaged: 2017-10-27 08:55:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,949
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/293967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/izzybeth/pseuds/izzybeth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Pearl opens a mini-golf course, Crow and Tom Servo put together a public service announcement, Mike is not in heat, and Malcolm McDowell hits on his sister.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Next Sunday, A.D.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Lozlan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lozlan/gifts).



> The movie I have Mike and the 'bots watch is [a real movie](http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0083722/) which I did not bother to track down and watch myself. However, I read the imdb synopsis and was traumatized quite enough by that. The Rat Pack Chess Set is a callback to episode 5x05, The Magic Voyage Of Sinbad, where it features as the SOL's contribution to the invention exchange. Heaps upon heaps of thanks to N, N, and C, for telling me yes it's funny now shut up and write.
> 
> I hope you enjoy this, and have [a Patrick Swayze Yuletide](http://youtu.be/2ZyJCV_dyug)! ([if that's okay](http://youtu.be/MioTYWrsVHQ).)

[door sequence] 

[SOL]

MIKE: Hi, and welcome to the Satellite Of Love! I'm Mike Nelson; this is Crow T. Robot, who enjoys windsurfing, model trains, and needlepoint; Tom Servo, whose extensive collection of underpants is threatening to overrun decks N through Q; and Gypsy, who-- hey, where's Gypsy? She said she wanted her own introduction today.

CROW: Oh, just before we went live she said she had something really last minute and super important to do.

MIKE: Did she say what?

TOM SERVO: She might have mentioned something about reorganizing the Satellite's internal support systems somehow?

MIKE: Not alphabetically.

CROW: Pssh. No.

MIKE: I didn't think so; Gypsy's no rookie. Chronologically?

TOM SERVO: Nnnope.

CROW: By pitch, I think she said.

MIKE: Wow.

TOM SERVO: Yeah, so if she needs to repair the oxygen supply, she has to remember that it vibrates in A flat.

MIKE: Or would it be G sharp?

GYPSY: [in the distance] Don't confuse me!

MIKE: Sorry, Gyps. Oh look, Pearl, Moe, and Curly are calling.

CROW: Which one's Curly?

MIKE: Brain Guy, duh.

[Castle Forrester. The Great Hall is covered in plastic grass, cheap statues of animals, and a couple plywood windmills. People wander about at random holding putting clubs.]

PEARL: Quiet, Timmy, grownups are talking. Turns out there are a few payments pending on Castle Forrester's ancestral mortgage, so as you can see we've repurposed the Great Hall and turned it into a mini-golf course to make some quick cash. Gotta spend money to make money, right, Walking Carpet?

BOBO: [to a small child] Ah, this hole's a toughie. It's all about geometry, kid, now watch the master in action-- [he hits the ball at much too acute an angle far too hard, whereupon it ricochets off the course's border, wings a fiberglass giraffe, bounces off OBSERVER'S brain, and plops into a water feature] Excellent, now what was my handicap...? [he yanks the scorecard away from the weeping child and scribbles on it]

PEARL: God. Your movie this week is a stinktastic turdbucket from the eighties called Cat People. It stars Malcolm McDowell, so right off the bat you know it's a winner. If you feel the need to regurgitate any internal organs over this crapathon, well, who am I to stop you. You know how I love forcing you to clean up the vomit and Jujubes on the theater floor. Hit it, Tapioca.

OBSERVER: [sends movie to the SOL with his mind]

BOBO: Please Brain Guy can you please get my ball out of the pond for me please?

OBSERVER: No.

[SOL]

MIKE: Well, not _all_ Malcolm McDowell movies have been bad. I mean, he was in A Clockwork Orange, and Star Trek Generations! And, uh... Tank Girl!

CROW: Aw, Mike!

TOM SERVO: Dig the hole deeper, Nelson.

MIKE: All right, all right, I'll give you Star Trek-- OH NO WE GOT MOVIE SIGN!!

[ligh ts flash, klaxon sounds, door sequence]

\---

[door sequence]

MIKE: I maintain that Tank Girl was a good film.

TOM SERVO: Give it up, Mike.

CROW: Seriously, Malcolm McDowell plus Lori Petty plus _Ice-T,_ come on!

MIKE: Philistine. Ice-T is a consummate performer. And I note how you conveniently excluded Naomi Watts.

TOM SERVO: Not exactly her best role.

MIKE: No, but she gave it her all! And it's a movie based on a _comic book_ for godsake! [getting worked up, gesticulating wildly] It's _supposed_ to be ridiculous and whimsical! Tank Girl doesn't have delusions of grandeur! It doesn't pretend to be something it's not! You want Shakespeare, go watch Branagh! [he pants, spent]

CROW and TOM SERVO: [stunned silence, staring at MIKE]

MIKE: [silent and embarrassed]

GYPSY: Everything all right up here?

CROW: [after a moment] Mike really likes Tank Girl.

GYPSY: Well... good! Oh, you boys have commercial sign.

MIKE: [mumbling] We'll be right back. [hits the button] [over the spaghetti globe, to CROW] _Your_ favorite movie is Road House, so just shut up.

\---

[Castle Forrester]

KIDS: [whiny] Daaad, find out, go on, ask her!

MAN: So hey there, uh, me and the kids were wondering if you got any snacks or whathaveyou, eh?

PEARL: [counting up singles] Huh, what?

MAN: This is a mini-golf course...

PEARL: Yeahhh...?

MAN: Shouldn't there be, y'know, ice cream, or hot dogs, or pop?

PEARL: Oh, uh, right, yeah, hang on-- Bobo!

BOBO: Yes, Lawgiver?

PEARL: Go raid the fridge, see if there's anything for these walking wallets to buy.

BOBO: Yes, Your Glorious Blondiness!

[PEARL, MAN, and KIDS stand around awkwardly until BOBO returns]

BOBO: [carrying a number of bottles and dishes] Here you are, Mistress!

PEARL: Right. What have we got here... banana mash, week-old hot dish, some raw asparagus, and a half-empty bottle of Yoo-hoo. That'll be twenty-five bucks.

MAN: Twenty-five bucks! Are you kidding, this isn't concessions! These are just leftovers!

KID: I wanted a fudgicle!

OTHER KID: I wanted Snow Caps!

PEARL: Hey buddy, I'm not running a charity here. Take it or leave it.

MAN: Fine, fine... [digs in his pockets for wallet] Here. [hands over a wad of cash]

PEARL: Thanks, now go away. And don't get any hot dish in the water feature. [continues to count her pile of takings]

MAN: [takes the leftovers gracelessly] Let's go, kids.

KID: Dad, was that a Wookiee?

MAN: I don't know, sweetie. I don't know.

[spaghetti globe]

\---

[SOL, TOM SERVO is alone behind the desk]

TOM SERVO: I think we can all agree that today's film, Cat People, starring Malcolm McDowell and Nastassja Kinski, is a horrible film. A waste of perfectly good celluloid. A travesty of a remake. A hideous carica ture of the horror/fantasy genre. A shambling, putrid--

MIKE: [offscreen] Tom!

TOM SERVO: All right, all right. We here on the Satellite Of Love would like to make it clear that the opinions expressed in Cat People are in no way supported or sanctioned by the inhabitants of the Satellite Of Love. And as such, we have painstakingly thrown together this informative slide show, entitled 'Why Incest Is A Bad Idea.' Take it away, Cambot!

CAMBOT: [displays the first slide, a still from the movie of Malcolm McDowell and Nastassja Kinski in a compromising position, while '[Spanish Flea](http://youtu.be/mML2fPec7xU)' plays in the background]

CROW: [V.O.] Here we see Paul, played by McDowell, and Irena, played by Kinski. Paul is trying to get Irena to sleep with him. What may not be obvious here is that Paul and Irena are brother and sister. Don't do it, Irena! Don't sleep with your brother! Especially if your brother is Malcolm McDowell.

CAM BOT: [switches to next slide, a creepy daguerreotype of Queen Victoria]

TOM SERVO: [V.O.] And this is what happens when you can trace your ancestry back to William the Conqueror. [a pause, while we contemplate Victoria's dowdy visage] We are not amused.

CAMBOT: [switches to next slide of a man in grubby denim overalls riding an oversized hog like a bucking bronco and waving a straw hat]

CROW: [V.O.] I pretty much have nothing to say here besides "Yee-haw."

MIKE: [V.O.] Oh come on, look, Cambot, can we-- [CAMBOT stops projecting slides, 'Spanish Flea' grinds to a halt; MIKE, TOM SERVO, and CROW are now onscreen] --thanks. Guys, this isn't cool.

CROW: Oh, so you're saying that incest is totally okay.

MIKE: _No,_ I'm not saying that, but you two are just trotting out all the tired old obvious jokes-- 'the Royal Family is inbred, ha ha!' 'People from the Southern United States are backwards!' It's just not funny.

TOM SERVO: You wanna come up with something better, Nelson?

[lights flash, klaxon sounds]

MIKE: I WOULD, BUT WE GOT MOVIE SIGN!!

TOM SERVO: OH, HOW CONVENIENT.

\---

[SOL, CROW and TOM SERVO behind the desk]

CROW: So do you think that's actually possible?

TOM SERVO: [playing chess with himself using the Rat Pack Chess Set, not really paying attention] What?

CROW: Cat people.

TOM SERVO: Uh, I dunno, maybe. [in fifties gangster voices] Ha-ha, check, Mitch Miller, who's singin' now! Damn you, Hepburn, that came outta nowhere!

CROW: Because I was just thinking, like, what if it was? Like, what if there really was a mutant race of semi-humans descended from panthers?

TOM SERVO: [puts down the Joey Bishop] Yeah, yeah, and what if they really did try to sleep with their sisters?

CROW: And what if they really _could_ turn other people into cat people?

TOM SERVO: And, and what if they were everywhere, like all around us, and you could never tell?

CROW: [agitated] Oh my god, and, and and and what if, what if, oh my _god,_ what if _Mike_ is one?

TOM SERVO: [freaking out] _And what if he's in heat right now??_

CROW and TOM SERVO: AAAAAHHHHHH!!

MIKE: Hey, little robot pals, what's the matter?

CROW and TOM SERVO: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!! [they run away screaming]

MIKE: What the H-E-double-hockeysticks... [red light flashes] Oh, hey, Pearl.

[Castle Forrester]

PEARL: [threatening random people with a broom and the Forrester family crest] I swear, if you people do not evacuate my property right now-- oh, it's you. The mini-golf ploy isn't really working out. [to MAN and KIDS] Go! Get out! Piss off! Don't make me sic the Wookiee on you! [wearily turns back to MIKE] The proles were befouling the water feature. So I'm taking another approach. HEY PUT THAT DOWN!

KID: [carrying off a fiberglass gila monster with OTHER KID] Let's name it Beyonce!

PEARL: God, I can't take this anymore. Brain Guy!

OBSERVER: [pushing his way through the swarms of mini-golf enthusiasts] Yes, Pearl.

PEARL: Use your crazy mumbo jumbo brain powers and blow up my credit union.

OBSERVER: You mean People's Community of Cross Plains? Pearl, they've never been anything but good to us. Remember when you wanted that loan to build the addition to the dungeons? Not a word to the authorities.

PEARL: That's true...

OBSERVER: And when you wanted to make a deposit in gold bullion instead of cash or check? The kind teller merely pointed you toward a reputable local shop of pawn.

PEARL: Oh, I remember that... and I don't care. Blow ‘em up, toot sweet, let's go. I don't have all day here.

OBSERVER: All right, all right... [OBSERVER concentrates a moment; there is a dull explosion in the distance] It is as you command, Pearl.

PEARL: Great. Mortgage-be-gone, I should hire you out. Now go make an eBay listing; I need to get rid of the damn giraffe and the rest of this crap. [OBSERVER shuffles off petulantly; PEARL shifts her attention back to the SOL] You're still here?

[SOL]

MIKE: I believe you called me, Pearl. [CROW and TOM SERVO creep slowly back into shot] You okay there, guys?

CROW: You, uh, you're not in heat, are you, Mike?

MIKE: [checks around his person] Uh, nope, I don't believe I am.

TOM SERVO: And, ah, you're not a cat person either?

MIKE: Huh? Oh, I get it, like in the movie. Nope, one hundred percent human.

CROW: [heaves a sigh of relief]

TOM SERVO: Oh good. That's great to hear, Mike. So just to be clear, you're not going to turn us into cat people either?

MIKE: I'm pretty sure it doesn't work on robots.

CROW: Good, good. And... you're not going to make out with us?

MIKE: No! God! Why would I do that?

CROW: Well, Joel did. On occasion.

[Castle Forrester]

PEARL : [thoroughly appalled] I don't know what you all get up to on that ship, but leave me out of it! Eurgh! Bobo! Come give Mama a foot rub!

BOBO: Yes, Mistre--

[connection cut]

[MST3K Love Theme, credits roll]

[stinger]

CROW: Mike really likes Tank Girl.


End file.
